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It was light, but it was there. For the last three mornings, I've been waking up with a headache right behind my eyes. The cause was no mystery. I'd been working on removing it, with soap and water, but I didn't have the right tools. My soap and water did nothing. The pesky green mold hung right in there. The Administrative Segregation Unit (The Hole) cells are very old. Even if the cell is cleaned daily with a little soap and water it still looks dirty. The dirt has settled...
The powers of the Ad Seg (The Hole) world control the doors. They open and close at their wills. No resident of the hole has any control over the opening and closing of the doors, but the residents do play a part in the process. Let me explain. In order to go through the door, the resident must first go through the small door. Safety and high security are at the top of the agenda in the hole. No inmate steps outside his cell without being cuffed first. This is a must, no...
I tossed. I turned. I flipped. Nothing helped. I could not fall back to sleep. I wasn't sleepy, and I had just finished a nice dream, so I knew I had slept for a little while, anyway. Now as I lay awake, I wondered how late -or early-it was. Even in prison we try to keep up with world events. TV, radio, and letters from loved ones help us see, hear, and read about the outside world. With all the devastating natural disasters, and incidents of hate happening all around the...
The odor makes my eyes water. The walls are covered with dried clumps of hair and soap scum. The ¼" of scum lies silently at the bottom of the broken sink. To label it filthy and unsanitary is an understatement. Ad Seg (the Hole) doesn't have inmate workers. There are no inmates assigned to keep the common areas of this ancient building clean. In a regular facility inmates are assigned to clean the hallways, tiers, benches and showers. If left neglected, the showers...
The process is very aggressive. Some might even classify it as violent. But no one in the world would ever try to stop it-it's a process that needs to be endured to achieve the essential result. Dunking it into water and keeping it submerged until the very last air bubble escapes is only the first step. It must immediately be pulled out of the water and then dunked back into it. After this second immersing, it is yanked back out and thrown on the floor. Lying on the ground,...
It happened twice, two days in a row. Both times I was forgotten. Time moved, but I didn't. I was left alone, cuffed, in a stand-up-only cage. I love business. I truly enjoy the art of growing a business and pivoting to keep up with demands and market trends. Business comes easily to me. I am intrigued by the working parts, especially sales and P.R. (Public Relations). All businesses are, at core, based on sales, and to sell itself a business needs P.R. The image of the...
"Two For the Price of One" is always an attention-grabbing offer. It's hard to ignore getting seconds free, just because you wanted firsts. "Two-for-One" works well for retail, but not for reflections in a mirror. Here in prison, I get an opportunity to look in a mirror only when I receive a shower. The shower has four slim windows so the officers can look in, for security reasons, and on the outside of one of those windows is a 6"x6" acrylic mirror. The convenient mirror is t...
The Battle By Adrian Torres The shadowy figure stood there, its back to me. I pretended like I was sleeping, as I thought of a plan to trap it. This time it would not escape! Ad Seg (the Hole) is not the tidiest place. In a regular building, inmates are assigned to clean, sweep, and mop several times a day, but there is no such luxury in the Hole. Since the task of cleaning falls on the officers, it's rare that any gets done. Many families of rodents, roaches, spiders and who-...
One morning, I was taken to the phlebotomist. My doctor had ordered blood tests, and three full tubes of blood were being demanded of me. My arms' veins cooperated nicely, the process didn't take long, and I put on a brave front. Thirty minutes later I was back in my cell, reading my Bible. As I read, my focus was off. My mind was not retaining anything. I found myself reading and rereading the same lines. I closed my eyes, thinking of the three tubes of blood and wondering if...
The gods of the Ad Seg (The Hole) world control the doors. They open and close at their wills. No resident of the hole has any control over the opening and closing of the doors, but the residents do play a part in the process. Let me explain. In order to go through the door, the resident must first go through the small door. Safety and high security are at the top of the agenda in the hole. No inmate steps outside his cell without being cuffed first. This is a must, no matter...
"Stand on the red-painted feet," the officer ordered. "Don't smile. This is not Sears Portrait Studio." With my feet now on the red feet, I stood in front of a massive glass wall looking at a funny camera peeking through its side. It was still early. An already-stressed-out officer came to my cell door. "Torres, get your jumpsuit on. We are going to take you to get your picture taken." I quickly put on my shirt, socks, jumpsuit, and shoes. With a quick splash of water, I ran...
The pressure was strong. His sales pitch was impressive and tempting, yet I kept declining. "Come on!" he was upping the ante, "I'll make it three and you choose the day." I hesitated because the offer was great, but in the end I declined it, too. Using the shower only happens three times a week in Ad Seg (the Hole). Although the showers are filthy, a full head-to-toes cleansing makes a big difference, both physically and emotionally. Plus, the shower is the only place we are...
My emotions were in a tangle. I wasn't mad or agitated; but I was sad and happy at the same time. Waiting in Ad Seg (the Hole) to be transferred is nerve-wracking. An inmate in the Hole can wait up to five months-or more, in some special cases-to be put on a bus. Every day, we listen for our names to be announced from the weekly transfer list. Ears perk up and the air goes still as we all try to hear the officer making the announcement. We hear whoops of happiness and cheers...
I knew they wouldn't believe me, and I began to get a little anxious. I looked up to the light fixture and calculated the distance. I figured by using the toilet to climb onto the sink, I could reach the light and bang on it. The light right outside my cell door's window stayed on last night-all night. Normally the night watch turns off all the lights so we can sleep, but for some reason the light stayed on. I could not sleep because, no matter what position I tried on my...
A knot formed in my stomach. I had nowhere to go, so I just turned around and faced the back of the cage. I knew he could see me, but I was too embarrassed to face him. Ad Seg (the Hole) is where the worst of the worst are sent. About 98% of the men that are in the Hole are here because they did something very bad. The Hole is the jail inside the prison. It's a true shame to be a resident of the Hole. It's a surprise to those who see me there, who know my character. Since the...
They had traveled for miles early in the morning, in wet weather, just to visit me. Everything had gone as planned so far . . . until . . . until they faced an ugly evil villain who stands tall and proud at the entrance of the visitor processing center. He is known by many names, but he is best known as Metal Detector. To visit me-or any other inmate-a person must go through a series of security procedures. Some are simple, others a bit bothersome, yet all necessary. Walking...
Henry, the lizard, had sat on Tommy’s shoulder for weeks, everywhere except the chow hall. He perched there like royalty, gazing upon his subjects. Everyone loved Henry. Tommy had owned Henry for several months, and I was sure he turned his head slightly when I spoke to him. I may have imagined it, but everyone agreed—out of all the cell lizards, Henry was the smartest. The weather turned cold and wet here, and we didn’t see Henry for a week. When he finally resumed his custo...
"Hey, Pastor. Can you pray for me? Hey … hey, Pastor! Over here.” My first cell mate had just been released from the hole and back to a regular yard. I had been alone for about 15 minutes. My inner self was praising God and my outer self was singing out loud. Since no one was watching, I decided to praise God in dance. But due to the small cell (and my horrible dancing skills) I knew my praise dance was looking very silly. I didn’t care though, I was happy and full of joy,...
I sit on my bunk, lights off, tears flowing uncontrollably. My mind races back and forth, making it next to impossible to focus on a single thought. Loneliness smothers me from neck to toes, my head just above it. I’ve been like this for a few weeks. It’s become normal for me this time of year. I’m exhausted. Tired. Sore. The last two months of the year weigh heavily on me. The heaviness becomes cold as steel. My emotions cramp. My faith has shortness of breath. Year after...
For many centuries the world has been trying to answer questions like “if a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, does it make any sound?”or “Does the light in the refrigerator ever go off when the door is closed?” or What is the meaning of life?” or “Why doesn’t a man ever stop and ask for directions when he knows he’s lost?”… Well, the question that I’m starting to ask is, ” Has anyone ever seen a rough, tough—scars-to-prove-it —career criminal, grown man cry?” Thr...
It was routine by now. I’d gone through the same steps many times. No nerves. No worries. Very relaxed. I knew what to expect and I was ready to get it over with. It was time to remove my toenail again and I wanted no part in others’ business. A group of five of us were taken to the medical facility, a few miles away from our facility. All five had different reasons to be there, but at this time I truly didn’t care. I was there for me and my toe, not them. When we arriv...
If you’re going to care about the fall of the sparrow, you can’t pick and choose who is going to be the sparrow. –Madeleine L’Engle “So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to Him than a whole flock of sparrows.” –Matthew 10:31 (NLT) Charlie Brown, the comic strip character identified with the underdog, probably because he always felt like one. In one scene he was building a birdhouse when the cynical Lucy came by. “I’m building it for sparrows,” Charlie told her. “Fo...
"Down, down! Everyone on the yard, down!” came the voice screaming over the loud speakers. Sirens wailing, officers running from every direction, straight toward us. Minutes before this event took place, ten brothers in Jesus and I had gathered on the grassy area of the yard, in a circle. We were about to start our small group Bible study. As we began to open up in prayer, we could hear two men directly behind us, arguing over something. “Father,” I started the prayer. “As w...
The handwritten sign on the wall caught my eye: "Baby gophers for trade; $2 in Top Ramen; Beef-flavored only; See Big Chato." My cell mate had already told me about the sign, but I just could not believe Big Chato was selling his baby gophers. "I think it would be fun to have a baby pet gopher in the cell," my cell mate shared with me as we both saw a sad pet adoption commercial on our TVs. I didn't answer because I didn't think he was serious. Plus, the sad commercial filled...
Martho is viewed as a hero. The pride of our old Jurassic tier (hall of cells.) He knows he’s dearly loved, so he struts like a celebrity. It’s rare that one of us doesn’t offer him a meal at least once a day. Martho always openly accepts the meals with glee. Martho doesn’t stay put for long; he is always active, coming in and out of the building dozens of times a day. Even with a well-rounded belly (from all the free meals he eats), he still moves with light feet and acrobat...
