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Have you ever haggled at yard sales? Do you find yourself saying, "Hey! Those cassette tapes...would you take $3 for the whole lot?" If so, you are cheap my friend. I know a guy who spends Saturdays comparison shopping at yard sales. He says, "I saw that same Barry Manilow record at Bob's place for 25 cents. Can you beat that? And what's your return policy?" I'll tell you my return policy. If he returns to my yard sale I will snap a Barry Manilow record over his head. I never...
Last Saturday two phone calls came, one from my son Steve who said, "Dad, my water heater broke." I have no idea why he'd call a guy like me. I'm remotely aware that hot showers contain hot water, but I have no idea where hot water comes from. The basement, I think. "Shut off the taps. Mop up the water," I told him, "and call your Uncle Bill. He's a plumber." The second call came from my daughter who said, "Daddy, my water broke." On April first she said the same thing on the...
I know of few things more disturbing to a man than having someone misplace his remote control. Perhaps the only thing more disconcerting is misplacing it himself. One night when our children were very small, I finally got them kissed, read to, and tucked into bed; then I sat down to watch the Edmonton Oilers beat the stuffing out of the Los Angeles Kings from the comfort of an easy chair. My right hand moved robotically to the bookstand beside me and fished around, coming up...
Ever been asked this question? Just who do you think you are? Teachers used to ask me this, and add “young man.” But if you were given ten words to describe yourself what would they be? Funny? Dull? Insanely good looking? Thin? Formerly thin? Smart? Perky? Engaging? Who are you? When I was young, I defined myself by the things my body was capable of. I was a decent athlete. I could lift things, throw things, and flex things. These days, when I lift things, I tend to throw thi... Full story
Do you remember the first time you thought to yourself, I just might be a sinner? I was four when this happened to me. I was standing by the bathtub and I had an irresistible urge to flush a fluffy washcloth down the toilet. I knew it was wrong, but a voice said, "Do it!" so I did. The pipes were not made for items of that size and I found this out when a very puzzled plumber showed up to retrieve the washcloth. He showed it to my equally puzzled father who frowned at me. I...
Isn't it hard to believe another year has come and gone? Time waits for no man, and very few women, my father would say. Like the New Year, the wise men came after Christmas. They're not really part of the nativity set. Scholars believe the magi were Gentiles who had come from the east and that it's possible perhaps that at least one of them was a Canadian and probably Native. You see, the others brought gold & frankincense, but the Native brought myrrh, which if you know...
When I was a kid my brothers liked to tell me stories of prison. For never being there, they sure knew a lot about it. They said inmates had escaped the nearby penitentiary and were headed this way. Backyard sleepovers had little appeal to me that summer. Other stories had to do with police officers making random arrests in our town, hand-cuffing boys who didn't seem particularly interested in attending school or church. I was terrified of the police as a child. So you can...
Have you seen anything funny lately? If you go looking you’ll find a lot to laugh about. Here are a few ads I’ve seen in newspapers: • For Sale: Bull dog, will eat anything. Loves small children. • Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! • For Sale: Antique dresser suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. • Illiterate? Write today for help. Here are some actual questions asked by lawyers in court: • Were you present when your picture was t...
Sometimes bad decisions make for great stories. While writing a book called When You Need A Good Laugh, I had a small accident that wasn’t very funny at all. And come to think of it, it wasn’t so small either. In fact, the doctor told me I had no business surviving, that my family should be planning a funeral and that the back of my head kind of looked like a cantaloupe. (Apparently he took Bedside Manners by correspondence.) My friend Larry and I had been revving our way thr...
