Hello. I just have to say that I was very touched by an article I read in your paper by Naomi Knoles. I can relate to what she went threw because I have gone through the same thing.
I am 29 years old serving a 40-year sentence for child neglect and battery. There’s not a day that I wish I could turn back the hands of time to go back and save myself and my daughter.
You just don’t know how relieved I was to actually find a true story that I could relate to even though the circumstances are very different. I was 25 when my crime happened. I had just had my baby 29 days before the crime. I also had three other children ages 5,2, 18 months.
After I had my baby, about a week or so after I started feeling weird like I didn’t really like my baby and I also had no connection with her like she wasn’t mine.
As weeks progressed, I got worse. I was having really bad thoughts of harming my baby and they were so strong it felt as if I had to act on them and sometimes I did. The voices or thoughts, I thought that they would go away but they just got worse and worse as the days passed. Sometimes I couldn’t be around her and do normal things like feed her or hold her when she cried. What I was doing felt normal and right. But now I know better and it is too late because my baby’s not here because of me.
I need help. I’ve tried so hard to forgive myself but it’s sooo hard. I’ve tried to give it to the Lord but it seems I’ll never really forgive myself.
I come from a family of Christians. I know what the Good Lord can do but I feel there is no way for me. How can He forgive me for doing what I did? I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself when I have to live with this for the rest of my life.
Now I’m in prison and can’t enjoy life with the rest of my young children that I love so much. I just wish that someone would understand that I didn’t mean to do what I did. I couldn’t help myself. I wish this on no woman or mother.
Thank you for that Naomi Knoles article [Everyone Has Their Own Story to Tell]. I’m keeping it forever to try to get to the state of mind that she’s in and just to know that I’m not alone in what I went threw.
—L.J., Indiana
