My father didn't want me-he told me so. He made me feel unloved and worthless. Later in my teen years, things got worse: More chaos...my dad's angry, drunken rampages. I spent so many nights huddled in the corner of my room, in the dark, in tears. Then on September 1, 2013, my dad put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He killed himself; abandoning my mother, brothers, and I, and hurtling us into a world of hurt and uncertainty.
I've known dysfunction since I was a little girl. My mother was a loving, devoted Christian, but my father was a man haunted by his own scars, and those scars often filled our house with chaos.
When I was four, I gave my life to Jesus, and I'm grateful because if He hadn't become a part of my life at an early age then I wouldn't be here.
My father didn't want me-he told me so. He made me feel unloved and worthless.
Later in my teen years, things got worse: More chaos! My dad's angry, drunken rampages. I spent so many nights huddled in the corner of my room, in the dark, in tears.
Then on September 1, 2013, my dad put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He killed himself; abandoning my mother, brothers, and I, and hurtling us into a world of hurt and uncertainty.
The Devil has attacked me in every way imaginable. Though many have stories much worse than my own, he has pushed me to my limits. He has ripped my heart out repeatedly, and caused me to doubt any chance of healing. Time and time again I've been sucked beneath the icy waves-but just before I drown, God's Spirit pulls me back to the surface.
One of my favorite verses is Psalm 40:2 which says, "He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along" (NLT). This has become my life verse. God has rescued me from my despair, and filled me with the joy and hope found in His unconditional love, and He can do the same for you.
I'd like to share with you some truths God used to help me climb out of the pit of depression I'd fallen into due to my circumstances.
• You are dearly loved by your Heavenly Father. Romans 5:5 tells us that "this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us..." (NLT).
No matter what other people think of you, no matter what you think about yourself, God thinks of you as His precious child. His love is the only love that will never disappoint us. His love is the only kind of love that can satisfy us, and fulfill the deepest cravings of our hearts.
• You don't have to live a life marked by shame. Jesus came to redeem humanity from the effects of sin. Because of His precious blood shed for you on the cross, you can have a new identity.
You know how sometimes, after you make a mistake, you want to distance yourself from that sin as far as possible? You don't want to be associated with it or be labeled by it. Well that's what God does for us. Psalm 103:12 says that "He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west."
I used to read that verse and not really think much about it. But then it hit me.
Once you've accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior, and surrendered your life to Him, God takes your sin and separates it from you as far as the east is from the west: an infinite distance. He no longer associates you with your mistakes, or the labels that have been put on you.
When God looks at you, all He sees is Jesus. All He sees is His precious child. Ephesians 2:13 confirms this when it says, "But now you have been united with Christ Jesus. Once you were far away from God, but now you have been brought near to Him through the blood of Christ" (NLT).
• God has a GOOD plan for your life. Jeremiah 29:11 says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope'" (NLT).
This was probably one of the hardest truths for me to grasp. In a way I felt cursed; like I was doomed to live a life of hurt and brokenness. I couldn't see the good that God could eventually bring from my circumstances. All I could think about were the bad things that had happened.
But eventually God changed my way of thinking. By clinging to His truth, and trusting in His promises, I began to see. He opened my eyes to all the good things He had brought from my suffering. He showed me evidence that proved He had been by my side all along.
Time and time again I've seen God use my past; my story, to help others find healing, and to draw them closer to Him. Isaiah 61:3 says "To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair..." (NLT). I can tell you, without a doubt, that those words are absolutely true. God has indeed brought beauty from my ashes, and not only in my life and work, but also in my personal relationship with Him.
The trials in my life have drawn me into an intimate relationship with God-and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Because I've had to depend on Him, I know Him as a loving Father who always takes care of His children. Because He's paid the price for my sin with His own precious blood, forgiven me, and wiped away all my shame, I know Him as a selfless Savior. And because I've been able to take all my troubles to Him, I know Him as my best friend.
His love reaches a part of my heart that no other form of love can. He fills a hole in my heart that nobody else can fill, and because of this I long to see Him face to face and I eagerly await spending the rest of eternity with Him in heaven.
Have you ever been hurt or broken? Have your circumstances threatened to bury you alive in a pit of depression and hopelessness? It's my personal belief that God only allows bad things to happen if He can use them for a greater good.
Pain and suffering entered this world because our Creator gave us the gift of free will, and we used that freedom to sin against Him, and to hurt ourselves and others.
It breaks God's heart to see us suffer, and He longs to give us healing. God can take your brokenness and turn it into something beautiful, if you give it to Him.
