Sometimes there is a fine line between being honest and being mean. I’ve known people who brag about always being honest but their remarks are often critical and cruel. When people ask us for our opinion they usually don’t really want our opinion, they want our approval, they want encouragement, a compliment and to be honest would hurt them.
This morning when I walked to the mailbox my ninety-three-year-old neighbor was getting her mail. Sue uses a walker to make her way to the mailbox and she has a bag tied to her walker to carry her letters in although she rarely gets any mail. Sue greeted me with a smile and asked me if I had time for a cup of tea.
I didn’t really want a cup of tea and I was hoping to finish a painting today but I thought Sue must get very lonely so I told her I’d love to have a cup of tea with her. I’d had tea with her on other mornings and I knew it was going to take an hour and she’d tell me about her parents coming from Poland in 1905. She never talks about being married or having children and I’ve never seen her have any visitors. We have our tea and talk about the weather and the price of food and what she’s seen on television and when I leave she says, “My name is Sue” and I say, “My name is Crying Wind” and she says, “I hope you’ll visit again.”
She never remembers that we’ve had tea and visited many times. She always thinks it is our first time and by tomorrow she’ll have forgotten about our time together today.
Another neighbor Melinda asked if I’d mind feeding her cat for three days while she went out of town to her sister’s wedding. I told her it was no trouble at all and I’d be glad to feed her cat while she was gone. That was lie number two. I didn’t want to feed her cat.
Every time she goes out of town for a few days she asks me if I’ll feed her cat and I always say “Yes, I’ll be happy to feed your cat,” but honestly, I wish she’d ask someone else because the last time I took care of the cat he jumped on my curtains and pulled them down.
My friend Mary has been on a diet for six months and I don’t think she’s lost one pound (she has a weakness for cake). Every time I see her she asks me if I think she looks thinner, I try to dance around the question by saying I’m sure she’s making progress on her diet and that it is very hard to lose weight but she can do it. That was lie number three.
My daughter called and asked if she should spend the money for a new sofa or if she should save her money and keep her old sofa. She spent several minutes telling me how lumpy and uncomfortable and ugly her old sofa was and how clean and comfortable and pretty the new sofa was. It was obvious she wanted to buy the new sofa and she didn’t want advice, she wanted approval.
I told her she should buy the new sofa and she agreed it was the right thing to do. I hope it is the right thing to do and she isn’t spending too much money.
My friend Jim said he needed some work done on his car and would it be too much trouble to pick him up at the car repair shop and take him home and then pick him up later today and drive him back to the repair shop to pick up his car. He said the repair shop was only three miles away and if I couldn’t drive him, he could walk. I couldn’t let him walk six miles, in fact, I couldn’t even imagine Jim walking six miles so I said it was no trouble at all to drive him back and forth. That was lie number five.
My son calls and asks if I feel like helping him paint his kitchen. I tell him it sounds like fun. I don’t tell him a woman my age has no business standing on a ladder painting a ceiling. I’ll pack a lunch and help my son paint his kitchen and I’ll probably be stiff and sore for two days afterward and I’ll have to be careful I don’t fall off the ladder and break my hip. That was lie number six.
I guess I could lie and make up excuses and reasons I can’t help people, I could tell them I’m too busy or I don’t have time but I can’t seem to say “no”. I lie in a different way, I say, “Yes, I’d be happy to help. No, it really isn’t any trouble at all.”
I hope if I need to ask someone for help they are nice enough to lie to me and say, “I’ll be happy to help you, it’s no trouble at all.”
Crying Wind is the author of Crying Wind and My Searching Heart, When the Stars Danced, and Thunder in Our Hearts, Lightning in Our Veins. All her books are available from Indian Life.
