Immanuel

I sit on my bunk, lights off, tears flowing uncontrollably. My mind races back and forth, making it next to impossible to focus on a single thought. Loneliness smothers me from neck to toes, my head just above it.

I’ve been like this for a few weeks. It’s become normal for me this time of year. I’m exhausted. Tired. Sore.

The last two months of the year weigh heavily on me. The heaviness becomes cold as steel. My emotions cramp. My faith has shortness of breath.

Year after year I exhort myself not to fall into the seat of my end-of-year emotional roller coaster ride. But without fail, my emotions push me past all control and up to the very top of the coaster track. With little time to strap myself in, the ride moves forward and hits emotional lows and highs at supersonic speeds. The emotional turbulence makes me nauseous, light-headed, and dizzy.

Just when I think the ride is coming to an end, the roller coaster speeds back up and hits the lows and highs again, and includes sharp lefts and rights. The ride then becomes too much to bear. Overpowering tears burst from me.

I wish I could tell you that in the midst of these moments I become a model Christian, standing strong; rich in faith; clear-cut hope; a strong grip on grace.

I’m not.

I starve of faith. Hope is a blur. Grace seems like a fairy tale. I become like a deer in headlights.

Except…except deep down inside of my soul a small, yet stubborn, clear voice (not a literal voice) hums lightly “Immanuel.” God is with us—with ME! Living Breathing. Active.

Just as God was in the storm, He is here with me. Just as God was a cloud by day and a pillar of fire at night, He is here with me. Just as God was with the Apostle Paul as he sat in his jail cell, He is here with me, in my own cell.

Immanuel.

God is with us in all things; yes, even in our weakest moments. In times of difficulties. In our own confusion.

Immanuel.

During the so-calleld “holiday season” the world might half-heartedly bring up the name Immanuel. But they have zero idea of how beautiful this Name is, and what it means. Being jolly or joyful is never connected to Immanuel. The world’s “peace and hope” are miles from Immanuel.

As for me, however, it is during the “holiday season” that Immanuel becomes even more sweet, true, and real. Immanuel slowly draws me out of my emotional breakdown and onto His lap, lovingly reminding me that He has never left. Feeding me peace. Kissing me with grace. And embracing me with hope.

Immanuel.

So even in my veil of tears, as I sit on my bunk with the lights off, Immanuel is there, faithful and true.

Immanuel.

Amen.

© 2016 Friends of Adrian. Adrian is an inmate in California.

Adrian’s book The Walls Talk is available on Amazon.com and other dealers.