The Seefood Diet
Cathy decided to meet her friend Jane after not seeing her for several months. When they met, Cathy exclaimed: “Jane! How did you lose all that weight?”
Jane replied: “It’s my husband. He never washes his dishes, he leaves his dirty laundry everywhere, his work papers are all over the place, and each night I run around the house cleaning up after him.”
“That’s horrible!” Cathy said. “You should confront him.”
“Oh I will,” answered Jane. “In six more pounds!”
Maybe you’d like to lose some weight too. If you are thick and tired of it, you’re not alone. A friend of mine told me, “I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.” I laughed and said, “Have you tried the garlic diet? You won’t lose weight, but you look thinner from a distance.”
I’m all for losing weight if we need to. If you’re planning on going on a diet, here are the dieter’s 10 amendments. I hope they make you laugh.
1. If you eat something and no one saw it. It doesn’t count.
2. If you exercise while you eat. It doesn’t count.
3. Potato chips and carrot cake count as veggies. Eat as much as you want.
4. The best diet is the seefood diet. When you see food, you eat it.
5. If your friends gain weight, you automatically become thinner.
6. Every food you split into smaller pieces will contain less calories.
7. Only eat half of your dessert. Take two pieces of pie, eat half of each.
8. Foods with similar colors contain the same number of calories. That’s why it’s fine to substitute pistachio ice cream for spinach.
9. Chocolate has a dedicated area in the stomach. So you should have it with every meal.
10. A calorie is a measurement of heat. So ice cream contains no calories.
Now please don’t get upset with me for saying this, but I’ve always been thin. When I was a kid, I swallowed a peanut and they thought I was pregnant with twins. I know it’s not fair, but I’m still somewhere around 180 pounds with cannonballs in my pockets. I tried everything. I went back for seconds, thirds, and fourths. My healthier looking friends tell me they’d give anything to have my metabolism, but life isn’t perfect in skinnyville either. At times I’ve wanted nothing more than to bulk up. Isn’t that just like us humans?
The grass always looks greener somewhere else. Then we aerate and water and fertilize and stand there looking at our beautiful yard and realize we didn’t want green grass at all. We wanted a flower garden like the lady across the street. And the cycle of discontent repeats itself.
So where do we find contentment? In a nicer home, a thicker wallet, a slimmer waist? I believe the secret is found in a single word, “gratitude”. Discontentment comes when we dwell on what we don’t have. Contentment is found when we focus on how richly we’ve been blessed. No matter what size we come in. So I’m thankful today for God’s power and provision. For food. Clothing. Even though I need suspenders to keep my swimming suit up. I’m thankful for God’s mercies are new every morning.
More than anything, I’m thankful for God’s great love for me. Psalm 107:1 says, “Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!” And I’m thankful for friends. Like my friend Ben who’s on a coconut/banana diet. He hasn’t lost any weight yet, but boy can he climb a tree.
Phil Callaway is a speaker, best-selling author, and host of Laugh Again Radio. Check it out at laughagain.org
