In Faith I Asked

My life was a complete wreck. My career and my personal life were a mess. I was well on my way to dissolving any former impression of who I was before desire became habit açhabit evolved into alcohol addiction.

At the time, some of the deep moorings within my heart and mind had given way. I had been divorced from my family for some time, and my career had just ended. However, the emotional tearing and ripping of my heart had failed to leave me for dead. I was hoping to scab over my heart and wait for something that would and could change me. Hope was the answer, a hope that couldn't have come from me as I was still reeling in the fact that addiction had won a great battle in my life. That's the shape I was in when I landed at Heartland Community Church and the nearby rehab center they were affiliated with in Northeast Missouri.

Three months earlier I had woken up drunk, bleeding from the mouth and lying on my living room floor alone. The back door leading to the patio of my apartment was open, and the snow fell quietly to the floor.

There, in the chaos of my life, I had cried out to God. I begged not to be forgotten. I asked to be forgiven of my pride and addiction.

He heard me in that moment. And in the early morning's haze I asked God to spare me, to help me in my cowardly ways. I asked for the strength to turn and face my weakness. I needed a faith transparent that would give me the confidence to know He was by my side, charging forward with me.

The following months I would continue to pay the price for addiction. But as God does, He continued to work in my life through my parents. They told me about Heartland; a place where I would be given the opportunity to change, they said.

"Do you want to change, Paul?"

And I replied yes.

I learned in the early days of my program at Heartland that trying to overcome my addiction and survive was limited and frustrating work. It was going to take a supernatural love and devotion from God to do the healing that I needed.

I could only divert the drinking under sheer will power and only for a short time. But to come clean of the flesh, I had to love God completely.

By loving God, I would instinctively move away from the addiction and see it for what it really was.

This is one of the battles that men in the program must face when they come to Heartland. Turning to God and humbly asking for His forgiveness, and then doing everything possible to move towards love-and let God do the rest.

I saw for the first time just how badly I had treated those who loved me. Rebuilding emotional bridges becomes effortless in that supernatural love, empowered by God's grace. We no longer "do" for the gain of ourselves, but for the betterment of others.

And those who come to the program like I did still have a choice to make. Those who fail to grasp the reality of their life's circumstances will continue to be absorbed in the fleshly choices. But for many, there comes a moment when the choice becomes clear.

That moment for me happened one afternoon as I sat in a truck along a narrow back road. As I drove along that road, I had asked quietly in prayer if a day would come when my thoughts and desires wouldn't dwell on drinking. That one moment is as clear to me as every single breath I've taken since. In faith I asked, and in love He showed me.

Since March 8th of 2004, I realized I had only one choice. In that moment, I didn't decide to stop drinking but decided to love God and do everything I could to be near Him. I chose to realize that He is with me because I asked Him to be with me, not because He had to.

In humility, I learned that faith empties the mind, love frees the will, and hope empties the memory. And through all my failed attempts, God's grace picked me up and took me where I could not go on my own.

The Heartland program I was associated with works closely with Heartland Creamery, bottling and processing milk from the dairy. It's a collective environment where managers are given opportunity to work closely with the men of the program. Each day the men are heard and allowed the opportunity to change. They are held accountable and shown respect for the challenges they overcome. Eventually I worked with the environment and cross training of specialized areas of a dairy plant, learning to be a cheesemaker, while my wife, Gloria, served as a second grade teacher.

Gloria and I are aware that every day is an opportunity and gift from God to show just how aware we are of His grace in our own personal lives. We hope in the day, pray for the future and believe that we are here for His reasons and not our own.

Paul's days as a master cheesemaker were numbered. His Missouri church, Heartland Community, sent him and his family to plant a church on the Rosebud Reservation in South Dakota. Paul is now senior pastor for Tiwahe Circle Fellowship, helping the people of the Rosebud Reservation build a healthy spiritual growth and seeing them through life changes. He also assists with juvenile and adult corrections in the surrounding communities.