"I don't have to put up with this. I'm outta here!" Amber* stomped to her room in the lower level of our home.
I don't remember what the issue was, but I do remember my stepdaughter had seemed unsettled since her 18th birthday two weeks earlier.
"Everything's the same," she'd moaned on her special day. She'd expected to magically be an adult and was bewildered that nothing in her life had changed.
Well now she made changes in a hurry. We discovered that she'd left the house and we couldn't find where she'd gone. Though she still had half a year left in high school, she had run away to a life where she could be a wild child.
Chances are that you, or someone you know, have dealt with a teen or young adult leaving your home and your faith. What should a parent do in such a scenario?
1. Don't be embarrassed to ask for support and prayer. When my stepdaughter left, I had no idea what to do. I felt like such a failure admitting that this happened in a Christian family.
But as I sought prayer and advice, I discovered I was not alone. Eventually I talked to dozens of other parents with similar experiences. When my husband and I admitted what was going on, instead of condemnation, we found comfort, understanding and wisdom from other Christian parents who had also hesitated to admit that they had prodigals.
2. Don't blame yourself. When children enter the prodigal world, suddenly Pro. 22:6 haunts parents "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
We figure if our children depart from a godly path, we did something wrong. But this scripture was never meant as a guilt trip-nor as a guarantee that if we raise our kids right, they'll always love Jesus or follow our teachings.
It boils down to the fact that our kids make choices-parents are no more responsible for their children's choices than children are responsible for their parents' choices. Sure, all parents make mistakes and statistics tell us that some family situations are rough on kids. But ultimately, young people leave family and faith because they decide to.
3. Know the Difference Between Helping and Enabling. Parents of prodigals face tough decisions. We want to help our kids; we want to believe the best about them and help them be successful in life.
But we have to be careful that we're helping our kids-not enabling them. After Susan's son ran away he was kicked out of his apartment for not paying bills. So Susan let him come back home. Jon often came home late at night after partying with his friends. Then Susan had to field the calls from his employer when he didn't arrive at work the next morning. "He's not feeling well today," she evasively responded.
Finally, Susan realized that she was enabling her son to continue in his bad behavior instead of helping him. She stopped covering for him and let Jon face the consequences of his actions.
Parenting a prodigal often means practicing "tough love." Kids may think we're cruel when we don't "help" them in the way they think we should-it's easier said than done, but helping them in the long run often means saying "no."
4. Don't forget the rest of your family. One day I was talking to my friend Rhonda yet again about our young prodigal.
"What's going on with your other kids?" she asked. "I know you love Amber, and yes, you need to keep a relationship going with her. But you have two other kids at home who need you. Let go of Amber and stop focusing on her so much that you ignore your other kids."
Those were some of the wisest words I heard. Sometimes we have to commit our prodigals to the Lord-and let Him work while we continue with life and other relationships.
5. Realize your parenting has changed. "Even if your daughter comes home tomorrow, it will be different," a co-worker who'd been through a similar situation told me. "She has removed herself from your authority. Now you learn how to parent an adult child."
When our kids have entered the world of wanting to be their own bosses, unless they're underage, there's really no going back. We can still let our prodigals know we love them and are there for them, but we have to let go of the old control, authority and responsibility issues.
6. Build a unified front with your spouse. Just as young children learn to play one parent against the other to get their way, prodigals tend to do the same thing. After Tami ran away from home and got into financial difficulties, her parents sat down together and decided ahead of time how they would field the requests for money they knew were coming. They even role played this, and other scenarios, to help them prepare for how they would respond to Tami. And they agreed to freely tell Tami, "I'll talk to your [Mom/Dad] about it and we'll let you know."
Also, especially during the prodigal time, work on your marriage relationship. Make sure you don't spend your time together just talking about the prodigal. Instead, change the subject, enjoy each others' company and be tender with your hurting spouse. Move ahead together instead of getting caught in a rut.
7. Don't be afraid to set boundaries. Parenting a prodigal is tough. This is a time when those loveable kids we knew are usually at their worst. They may become rude, demanding, manipulative and abusive.
Some parents think that if they really love a child and want to show the child God's love, they have to put up with the bad behavior. But that's not so. Your child has seen God's love through you for years already. The prodigal benefits more from the parent who says, "I love you, but I won't tolerate disrespect."
Especially if your child wants to re-enter the family fold, set boundaries in any way that you're comfortable. When Mike's son asked to come back home one of Mike's boundaries was letting his son know if he brought drugs into the house, Mike would call the police.
Make sure the boundaries are clear. Write them on paper and include consequences for ignoring boundaries. Then follow through on enforcing those consequences. Be loving, but be firm.
8. Don't hesitate to deal with your feelings. Parents dealing with prodigals are facing loss in their lives. It's common to feel grief and other emotions: anger-at the child, at ourselves, at a mate, at our children's bad companions; sorrow; depression; guilt; even a secret relief if a child leaving brings more peace to a home. Whatever the feelings are, we have to honestly acknowledge them before we can deal with them.
9. Remember that God loves your child more than you do! Parents of prodigals can feel so out of control-so helpless, frustrated and bewildered. Experiencing estrangement or watching your child delve into sin is so heartbreaking. That's why it's so important for parents to lean upon God and His grace especially during this time. The Holy Spirit is with our children no matter what they're doing or who they're with. He constantly draws them with His tender, compassionate spirit. He will be with them and guide them even when we can't.
10. Take heart: the prodigal stage usually doesn't last forever. Most parents who've gone through this have found that the prodigal season is just that-a season. Sooner or later, most children return to a good relationship with parents and their Heavenly Father.
The process may be difficult, but keep the big picture in mind. While Alison's daughter was doing drugs and having babies outside of wedlock, Alison kept praying and focused her mind on the faith that God would redeem her daughter's wayward years. Alison refused to use the "prodigal" label for her daughter, preferring to think of her as "God's work in process." Eventually her faith was rewarded and today her daughter serves God faithfully.
After a couple of years, our Amber returned from her wild walk, and your child probably will, too. As you keep praying for your child and loving him or her-even if you have to use tough love-you can have faith that your child is also God's work in process.
*Names have been changed.
Jeanette Gardner Littleton is the author of When Your Teen Goes Astray: Help and Hope from Parents Who've Been There (Beacon Hill Press).
