When divorce threatens your family
My brother and I have never been particularly close, so when he showed up on my doorstep one evening, I was rather surprised. Automatically, I offered him a coke and a seat.
He half-heartedly made small talk for a few moments. Then, he stumbled onto the real punch line, "Susan has left me."
I was floored. They'd been married ten years. Both were Christians and active in a strong church-Susan was even a pastor's kid. I knew they had their tense moments, but I certainly never expected this. I didn't know what to do or say. I felt futile.
With the staggering divorce statistics, nearly every family faces this tragedy at one time or another. What do you do when divorce threatens your family?
1. Be Supportive. Reaffirm your loved one's self-worth by frequently expressing your respect and admiration. During John's separation, I learned to express affection. For the first time in my life, I would hug John and tell him I loved him. I also checked on him frequently, just to remind him I cared.
2. Help in practical ways. When John moved into an apartment, I found stray lamps, wastepaper baskets, an extra table, some kitchen supplies and other items to help furnish his "home."
Because John wanted to read Christian materials on relationships, I found books for him, including Love Must Be Tough. That helped revolutionize his thinking and his responses to Susan. It also helped him understand her better.
3. Offer companionship. My boyfriend and I often stopped by John's apartment with a new computer game or just to talk. Sometimes, John and I would go to dinner. My relationship with my brother had always been on a back burner. But now, it became a major priority.
4. Don't condemn the mate. I was angry with Susan's actions. Mom and Dad freely expressed their disgust with her. But I learned not to say anything negative about Susan to them or to John. Encouraging negative feelings only embeds bitterness and hinders chances of reconciliation or peace after reconciliation.
5. Remember it takes two. Maybe one person is more at fault, but there are still probably two sides to the story. Recognize that you are biased and try to look at the situation objectively.
6. Don't break ties with the in-law. One of the hardest things I've ever done was to visit Susan after the separation. But this turned out to be a healing experience for me. Without being emotional or trying to change her mind, I simply told Susan I was sorry about the problems she and my brother were experiencing. I told her I valued her as a person and as a friend.
If you do this, bathe it in prayer and go in the right spirit. You need to show concern, yes, but no condemnation. "I miss you and I hope things will work out," was basically what I told Susan. To my surprise, she opened up her heart. I left, still not knowing what would happen, but knowing I loved her and understood her a bit better.
7. Encourage counseling. Getting professional help was difficult for John. My parents were ashamed he was seeing a psychologist and Mom insisted, "If they would just turn it over to the Lord, everything would be fine." True, but like most people, Susan and John needed a counselor to help them turn their marriage over to the Lord and work through the problems.
Encourage one or both parties to talk with a marriage counselor and even be willing to go with them.
8. Go to church together. During marriage trials, it's vital that we cling to our faith and to the comfort our Heavenly Father offers. Your loved one needs the fellowship and encouragement of being in church. However, most people facing marriage problems will avoid going alone. Encourage that family member to go to church-even a different church-and go along.
9. Listen tirelessly. John could talk about Susan, his hurts, his mistakes, his hopes, for hours. I learned to listen. Occasionally, I asked, "How does that make you feel?" or "Why do you feel that way?" to help him analyze his own feelings and think through the situation. But otherwise, I just let him pour out his heart.
10. Take it slowly. Offer your loved one distractions from the pain. But if the person just doesn't feel like laughing or snapping out of it, don't pressure. Just accept this and be there. Remember, this is an emotional earthquake that shatters a person's whole world.
11. Don't let that person blame himself or herself. Tactfully, point out that each person has faults and good points-and that each person makes choices. Nothing we can do can make someone else give up on a marriage, or make them refrain from taking drastic measures.
12. Don't blame yourself. Sure, maybe you could have spent a little more time with the couple. Maybe you should have seen it coming. However, you might not have been able to do anything. It's not your fault they are making this choice. Encourage reconciliation, but realize you cannot play God.
13. Pray. Sometimes the situation seems so bad that prayer seems hopeless, but God is still in the miracle-working business.
I realized the reality of this several weeks later when I opened my door to find John there-this time with Susan peeking over his shoulder. I grabbed them both in a tight bear hug, tears of joy and relief cascading down my cheeks.
Like most of life, the story doesn't end happily ever after. It's been four years, and yes, John and Susan are still together, but they constantly have to work at their relationship. Separation and divorce have still threatened-even though they have a child now.
I try to spend more time with them-especially with Susan. Often, she talks about their problems. I share family background that John has never told Susan-tidbits that help her understand him better. We have shared very close moments and become friends.
Being a supportive relative, through good times or bad, is an emotion-wringing, time-consuming priority, but take that step. Your family is worth it.
