Sometimes when I'm struggling and everything seems to go wrong and I'm feeling sorry for myself, I compare myself to Job, in the Bible.
OK, I don't have boils and my sheep and cattle didn't die and the house didn't collapse on my family, but still, sometimes I feel life isn't fair and God is picking on me. I've even told people at times I feel like God's undeserving stepchild.
I know God is merciful and generous and forgiving-and He's given me more good things than I ever deserved-but sometimes I get tired and discouraged.
I've always felt sorry for Job when he said "What I always feared has happened to me" (Job 3:25). His wife nagged him, his friends mocked him, his ten children died, he lost all his wealth but in the end, God blessed Job at the end of his life more than at the beginning. God gave him 10 more children, his wealth was doubled and he lived 140 more years.
One question I've always had, God gave Job 10 more children, but I wonder if he still had that nagging wife, and had she produced 20 children? Did Job have to put up with her for 100 years?
When Job says the thing he feared the most had happened to him I can relate to that.
I had a horrible childhood, often being left completely alone for days at a time when I was only five and six years old. Our family lived in a one-room, tar-paper shack that didn't have electricity or water. I feared nothing more than being alone. When I was growing up I hated being alone.
When I got married and had four children, I was thrilled and thought I'd never be alone again. I loved every minute having a husband and children, I loved cooking and cleaning and doing laundry because it meant I had someone to love and take care of. My husband died in a car accident. In a few short years the children had grown-three went away to college and one joined the Navy. They were all gone and once again I was alone.
The thing I feared the most and hated the most had happened.
I've lived alone over 20 years. My children live thousands of miles away so I haven't seen them in years. I often ask God why I ended up alone, and He says, "I'm still here." I know that, but it would be nice to have human companionship.
People tell me to get a cat. I love animals. I love cats, but I need human conversation and companionship.
The last time I went to church a man my age introduced himself to me and asked if he could sit next to me during the service. He told me he was a widower and finding it hard to be alone. His friends suggested he attend church to find a wife. He said he couldn't bear the loneliness, and he'd love to be married again as soon as possible, maybe even in a month or two.
He was very pleasant, and I wondered if God had brought us together. He asked if he could call me and maybe we could meet for coffee. I said that would be nice.
As I was leaving the church, a younger man told me, "I saw my father talking to you and I hope he didn't ask you to marry him. My mother died two weeks ago and he's desperate to find a new wife. He's already proposed to a dozen women; the flowers on my mother's grave haven't even wilted yet."
It was one of those funny/sad moments. I felt sorry for the man who was so desperately afraid of being alone he was proposing to every woman he met. I felt sorry for his son who was not only grieving for his mother but also having to keep an eye on his father.
Lonely people seem to react to their loneliness in two ways. Some go into a frenzy of keeping busy, meeting people and trying to make friends to fill the emptiness they feel. Other people retreat from the world, they become hermits, shut out everyone and resign themselves to being alone. Maybe some of them get a cat.
I don't know why I've spent two-thirds of my life alone when being alone was the last thing in the world I wanted. When I die and go to Heaven I'll look forward to meeting Job, I'll ask him about his wife.
In the meantime, I might get a cat.
Crying Wind is the author of Crying Wind, My Searching Heart, When the Stars Danced, Thunder in Our Hearts, Lightning in Our Veins and Stars in the Desert.
