Real Life Relationships

"I'll never forget the first night my boyfriend hit me," Charlotte recalls thoughtfully, tracing a heart pattern on her frosty Coke glass. "I don't know why I was surprised; he'd threatened to often enough. I sat and cried like I'd never stop. He wrapped his arms around me and began saying how sorry he was. At first I ran away from him, but eventually, I let him put my head on his shoulder while I cried.

"He begged for forgiveness. He said he had just lost his head . . . it would never happen again. I said I'd forgive him and we cried together."

She's cute, sweet and overly talented. It's hard to believe anyone would ever hit Charlotte or be cruel to her even once. But that wasn't the last time. Joseph had hit her again and again and harder until besides the momentary pain, the marks remained.

They weren't married, just dating. Why didn't Charlotte just tell the guy to get lost? She was wrapped up in the complex threads of feminine emotion.

"When we first met, he was charming. At that time, I wasn't really interested in dating anyone. But he started turning on that charm and how could I resist his sweetness. We became friends, and then started dating.

"He was still charming. He did all the things girls like . . . he held my doors, had such good manners, brought me little presents, and frequently told me how much I meant to him. We talked a lot about him and his life before he met Christ. He hadn't been saved very long time, but he really loved the Lord and wanted to grow spiritually."

"Then, after a couple of months, he started becoming short-tempered with me. I couldn't understand it. He would get angry about little stupid things. I tried to soothe his anger, but it didn't work for long . . . he started becoming explosive-really blowing up."

An extreme example? Not really. Date abuse occurs in as much as 50 percent of all relationships. Most of the victims are female, although males are also abused. The abuse inflicted upon the men, however, is generally in bouts of reciprocal violence.

While one would naturally think of physically violent behavior as abusive, in reality, date abuse is more complex. There are four types of date abuse: emotional, verbal, physical and sexual.

*Emotional abuse can be subtle: withholding affection, giving the silent treatment, failing to fulfill a promise, and ignoring someone are all forms of emotional abuse.

*Verbal abuse is closely related. Verbal abuse doesn't just have to be nasty things. Often a guy uses verbal abuse to keep a girl attached to him . . . like telling her she isn't pretty enough to get anyone else or can't do anything right, or should be glad she has him because she is definitely the winner in the situation.

*Physical abuse is any unwanted and hurtful physical act. Initially there may be pushes, shoves or light slaps on the face or other part of the body. Each incident seems minor and can go unnoticed for a while. But when ignored, problems may quickly become sever. Slaps may become punches and hits become beatings, often leaving tell-tale bruises and other marks. From there, it's only a short step to broken bones, concussions, and wounds leaving permanent physical damage.

*Sexual abuse is any sexual contact that is unwanted. It may be as subtle as an unwanted kiss or extreme, as in rape. As many as 75 percent of all rapes are committed by acquaintances, including boyfriends and husbands.

Jealousy and the need to control are often a part of the underlying emotions involved in date abuse. In Charlotte's case, Joseph was so jealous that he would not let her attend many church parties because other guys would be there . . . although Charlotte had never flirted with another guy or given Joseph reason to distrust her. As in most cases, the meaning of Joseph's response got muddled. "I put up with it because I reasoned, 'If he didn't love me, he wouldn't get so angry.'"

As many as one-third of all teens involved in abusive relationships remain in those relationships even after the violence.

Surprisingly, abuse in relationships is viewed as normal by many adults and teens. In a national survey of 3,000 teenagers, one third of the young men and one-fourth of the girls accept abuse under some circumstances.

Why such widespread acceptance of abuse? There is no one answer, but several factors may partially explain it.

*Social acceptance of violence against women. Child porn, sado-masochism, rape, and sexual torture are depicted in violent pornography as a man's right and a woman's pleasure. And in one study, 57 percent of college men indicated that they were likely to commit rape if there were no chance of getting caught.

*Gender stereotyping. Men who accept abuse as normal in relationships tend to have a very limited view of women. They may consider them as brainless creatures simply created to serve men.

*Glorification of violence. Violence on TV and video games has drastically increased. Television and movie violence have been documented to play an important role in causing family violence.

Abuse during the dating relationship is a virtual guarantee of later abuse. The evidence is overwhelming that abusive behavior increases and escalates over time. This time it's only a push or shove . . . the next time it could be a beating or sexual assault.

What should you do if you're caught in an abusive situation?

Put the facts over your feelings: You cannot change a person!

Most girls stick it out because they think they can help the guy. Wrong! The guy may be sweet at times, but he has problems and needs counseling. And he doesn't need you around complicating matters while he tries to get his life straightened out.

It's tough, but make the decision to get out of the situation.

"Breaking up with Joseph was the toughest thing I've ever done," Charlotte levels. "I loved him. I wanted to help him. But I knew something wasn't right. One day while I was working, I was also thinking about the situation and just said a quick prayer, 'God, show me what to do.' I was reading a book that talked about obedience and doing things you don't want to do just because they're right . . . not because you want to do them. I had to be honest with myself. We had talked about marriage and I had to think of our kids. If Joseph loved me, but abused me, he would surely abuse our kids, even if he loved them. Then it would be a situation like he and his dad all over again."

Look at it honestly. The guy you're dating may be wonderful when he's not being abusive. He may be sweet and sensitive and just have occasional lapses. But he does have a problem. And you cannot help him solve that problem, because you're too involved in the situation. Despite the pornographers portrayals, no mentally sane woman likes abuse.

Don't feel that you're to blame.

"Before long, I began to think that I was the cause for Joseph being so angry," Charlotte recalls. "I started thinking I just couldn't do anything right. He'd always say, 'You are so stupid. You can't do anything right.' Over time, I began to believe that. My self-image plunged. My confidence was destroyed."

His anger is not your fault. A person cannot make you angry . . . they can only bring out anger that is in you. Even if you do mess up once in a while (and who doesn't?), he should be mature enough to forgive and to help you grow . . . not to punish. A boyfriend may not like something that was said or done and he may become angry, but that does not give license to abuse.

If he's into punishing you, he's into a mental problem with wanting to be in control.

You are not a quitter if you leave the relationship

You do not owe anything to a guy you are dating . . . you are not married to him. If you mention leaving, he may try to talk you out of the idea. He may use things like, "Sure, leave when I need your help." But I can't stress enough . . . you are not helping him by remaining in the relationship. You are giving him a crutch and a license to continue.

<i>Don't feel sorry for him. Don't be too understanding. Don't discount family background.

Joseph grew up with a dad who was messed up mentally. His dad would chase him around the house with a smoldering cigarette . . . as long as he stayed out of his dad's reach, he was okay. His dad would use the boys as targets for his pea shooter. If they did wrong, he would tie them up and whip them until their skin blistered.

Joseph's dad tried to rape his little sisters while they were children, and his dad's girlfriend introduced him to sex when he was 14 . . . at his dad's suggestion.

When Joseph accepted Christ, his intentions were good and he never wanted to follow in his father's footsteps. And with the Holy Spirit's power he won't.

Joseph should not be locked in a room away from all Christian girls and tied up so he'll never get married and repeat the pattern. But he does need professional help. The Christian men in his church who know about Joseph's past are discipling him. Their counsel and prayers and working with Joseph should in no way stop, but they should also insist that he see a professional Christian counselor who can not only deal with the way Joseph is now, but also with his root problem.

Though all guys who were raised in abusive homes will not become abusive, there is a greater chance that if they were raised in an abusive home, they will struggle with the same problem. And you need to consider that in dating the person-and watch for the signs. Date him for a long time before you make any marriage decisions.

Studies reveal that the frequency and severity of abuse increases over time. Promises of "I'll never do it again" are sincere at the moment, but they aren't enough. The abuser must get outside help for his problem or it will continue.

Especially with verbal abuse, a girl will get to the stage where she thinks that she is not attractive and that no one will ever love her. Although she realizes the guy she's dating has problems, she figures she's so unattractive that if she leaves him, a worse guy will enter her life. Or no guy.

But to remain single, with it's opportunities to explore, reach out, and discover your independency, is much better than being browbeaten and tied to a self-destructive relationship.

You are precious in God's sight. Don't tolerate less than the best in your dating relationships. y