A Life Turned Right-side Up

My life and family were upside down. My parents loved each other but alcohol drove them apart. Drink turned my dad into a monster, hitting and speaking terribly to my mom. My father became so abusive, one night he almost killed her by throwing her down a flight of stairs.

Mom sought help but finally left him, separating when I was seven. Alcohol finally destroyed their marriage.

I was thirteen and going through a lot of stress; my emotions were turned upside down. I had nowhere to turn as my mother was gone a lot of the time.

Later that year, my mom's boyfriend, the man I trusted as a father, abused me sexually and shattered my trust in him. I had no relationship with my mother-at a time when a young girl needs her mother so desperately.

For a time, I went to live with my uncle and aunt. About that time they had a friend who needed a place to stay. He moved in with us. Desperate for love and attention, I turned to this man. I was in love with him, a man ten years my senior. Our relationship continued for a long time in secret because of my young age. I felt safe with him, free and at ease.

I became pregnant at 14. I tried hard to hide my pregnancy. When the time came for my baby to be born, I told my mother that I was sick and she took me to the hospital. I still hadn't told my mother. When the pains got more severe, my mother's doctor was called in. After he examined me, he told her about the baby. My mother was so surprised she almost fell over.

I tried to return to school after my son was born, but my life was taking another turn.

I began smoking pot. It numbed my brain so I wouldn't have to think about my problems. I spent some time with my son's father but ended up spending most of my time getting high with my friends. Before long, I quit school.

The day I turned 16, I took my son and moved out on my own. My mother didn't like this at all and called Children's Aid on me. Nothing came of it. I was happy on my own, as no one told me what to do.

Spending so much time alone, I was lonely. I had my son, but that wasn't enough. I thought that if my son's father would come and stay with me, I would be happy. That wasn't true.

I began to have suicidal thoughts, and they were becoming more and more frequent.

My son's father and I made a hasty decision and we got married.

Shortly after my eighteenth birthday, we moved in with my mother for a short time. Almost immediately I noticed a change in my husband. He was drinking almost constantly. I drank some with him even though I didn't care for it. I preferred smoking pot.

Smoking pot wasn't enough for me; I started taking tranquilizers to calm my nerves.

One day alone in my room, I fell on my knees crying out to God. I wish I could say that my life changed but I can't.

My doctor admitted me to a psychiatric hospital. I was there because I didn't want to be near my husband and needed to get off tranquilizers. God had another reason for being there. He wanted me to find Him.

Reading my Bible I learned that there is only one person who is between God the Father and me. Jesus Christ is the only one who can forgive my sins.

There in that hospital I recognized that Jesus Christ is my Savior and Lord and I wasn't hallucinating.

I went home after a month, continuing to read my Bible as I did in the hospital.

At 21, I had my second son, Adam. We moved out of my mother's and moved into a small two-bedroom apartment.

My husband's behavior got worse as time went on. Often he would come home drunk, frightening me.

One day I couldn't take it any more. While sitting in our big armchair, I started crying. "Why God?" I pleaded. "Why must I stay married to a man like this?"

One evening after praying and asking God to show me what to do, I telephoned the Women in Crisis center. I stayed there for a month or two. I spent a lot of time crying out to God for help.

My husband and I ended up getting divorced. He talked me into letting him have custody of the boys, assuring me that I would be able to see them any time. That turned out to be false.

Not having my sons with me took its toll. I started getting into the bar scene and liking it. I met someone else and stayed with him for four years. We had a baby girl together but she was only two months old when her dad and I parted ways.

I tried to find happiness in other relationships but they never worked out. The bar was becoming my home away from home.

I met another man-my future husband. This relationship started with drinking heavily on the weekends. Through all the haze, I saw a gentle man very different from the other men in my life. He was and still is, very gentle, caring and loving.

At that time, I didn't really care for anyone except myself. All that mattered were my needs. I thought I could do anything I wanted without consequences. I was wrong.

One night while I was doing my own thing, a car hit my son. Seeing my little boy lying there helpless, unable to move, I was heartbroken. I cried out to God. "Please God, don't let my little boy die. Please send someone here to pray for my son."

My son died the next day.

Yes, I went through hell over his death. His beautiful smile never leaves my memory. The memories fill my mind and my eyes fill with tears even to this day.

I forgave the woman who killed him but this did not come easy. My heart was ripped apart.

Willi and I were married. We had a nice wedding and celebrated for two weeks, buying beer and drugs and getting high.

One particular day, my oldest son was in his bedroom. He called me to come upstairs. As I was sitting with him, he talked to me about going back to church. I didn't know what to say.

God sure has a way of tugging at your heart. I started to think about what my son had said but after a while that faded out and I went back to my old ways.

One day I was watching TV. Billy Graham was talking about sin. I turned it off and ignored what I heard for another week or so.

I felt very strange, hating what I was doing to my husband, daughter and myself. I fell on my knees and asked God to forgive me. The following day, I told my husband what I had done. My husband immediately prayed and asked the Lord to forgive him too, and become his Savior.

God began to change my life. God directed us to a small Bible study group in the church. Later the Lord sent me a special friend who helped me in my new walk.

As time went on, God healed my broken heart. The Lord God loves us but He does not love our sin. Sin becomes very burdensome. It weighs us down. Sin causes sickness and death. Sin keeps us blind to the truth.

I am no longer a slave to sin. Life is better with Christ as my Lord and Savior.

From Conquering Indian, Vol. 2