I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. The kind of forgiveness that feels like, if I extend it, and choose to consider actually forgiving, that I am the one who is losing. You know the kind of forgiveness I'm talking about, right? The kind where you've been hurt so deeply, on such a core level, that you can't possibly consider forgiving the other person? The kind that causes a physical ache in your heart and is accompanied by anger when the ache subsides. The kind where every decision seems to be filtered through the lens of the pain. Yes, that kind.
I don't know about you, but that kind of forgiveness, or lack thereof, was starting to repeat itself over and over in my head. Every time I would be reminded of the event-and trust me, it was often-I would feel the pain of the initial hurt all over again. And it would remind me that surely the other person does not deserve my forgiveness. "I mean, they aren't even saying sorry. How can I possibly forgive them?"
So you know what? Because I couldn't consider forgiving the person, I held on to that hurt and anger, for quite some time-longer than I am proud to admit.
The unforgiveness had turned into bitterness. I was convinced I couldn't possibly consider forgiving unless the person acknowledged every hurt caused. I was also convinced that surely their motivation had been to hurt me. I couldn't consider the alternative that perhaps their motivation was good, because their actions ended up causing me pain.
Bitterness started to take root, and I could feel my character changing. Any time I felt a twinge uneasy emotionally in a discussion, BAM! I experienced the pain all over again. I didn't like the feeling, so my brain would go into fight, flight or freeze mood, and I would verbally fight, in an attempt to protect myself. Or, I'd get quiet, and tell myself why I should continue nursing the hurt.
But then I started thinking about reconciliation. I had read in 2 Corinthians that, as a believer in Jesus, I was to be an ambassador of reconciliation.
Wait. Does that mean that I was supposed to consider reconciliation here? I pushed the thought away at first, but then it kept coming back. It didn't take long to realize that this was God nudging me, encouraging me to do the hard thing, and forgive-to take my first step towards reconciliation, and forgive.
At first it was in my thought life. I realized that if I was constantly thinking negatively about the person and situation, how would I ever move on and heal? I also began to consider that my heart was out of alignment with God's and asked Him to forgive me for my unforgiveness towards this person.
Ouch. That one hurt. After some time, I was able to ask God help me want to forgive. Once I asked for God's help, and after asking a trusted friend to pray for me, I began to see that I really could forgive.
Reconciliation takes time. I truly believe that one way it can be walked out is through building relationships-or rebuilding relationships in this case. After having walked through my personal situation, I have come to see that one of the first steps towards reconciliation is forgiveness. Or at least perhaps considering forgiveness.
I want to encourage you that forgiveness is possible. Hard, but possible. I don't know what situation you are in or what feelings may have stirred in you, but God knows what you're going through. And he knows what you're feeling. He knows how hard it is. He acknowledges your pain.
When Jesus was nailed to the cross, moments before He breathed his last breath, He cried out to His heavenly Father and said, "Father forgive them, they know not what they are doing."
I wonder if Jesus, as a man, had forgiven them, and was asking His Father in heaven to forgive them also? Wow! What forgiveness. What forgiveness that paved the way for us to be reconciled to God.
I've heard people say that withholding forgiveness is like drinking rat poison and expecting it to kill the rat. The only thing that holding onto unforgiveness accomplishes is hurting yourself.
Friends, I pray that in whatever season you are in, you would know forgiveness is possible. And you would experience deep freedom in forgiving. That it could be the first step in your own personal journey towards reconciliation with yourself, with others and with your heavenly Father. You can do it. I believe in you.
