COVID–19 and so many other losses seem to touch almost every home right now. One of Indian Life's respected elders, Dr. Joseph Jolly, has written a book entitled, Going and Growing Through Grief. We hope this article, excerpted from his book, will help you as you walk your own grief journey and weep with those who weep.
In seeking to help others with their losses, we often feel helpless because we don't know the best way to go about it. And even if we have gone through our own grief experience, there is no guarantee that we have all the answers. Detrich and Steele write that "Those who've experienced their own grief must always remind themselves that just as no two people are the same, no two grief experiences are the same. Don't be tempted to impress the mold of your grief experience on your grieving friend."1
To give comfort and support to those who are grieving is the responsibility of everyone who cares. As Christians, we have an opportunity to share Christ's love by the way we reach out and comfort those who have suffered a loss. I still remember how much I appreciated the thoughtfulness of a Native Christian couple towards my family and relatives on the day of my mother's funeral. They ordered several boxes of pizza so the family members could eat before the afternoon service started. This couple had been very close to my mother and this was one way they could show their care and support for our family during our bereavement.
Whenever a death occurs in a Native community, the Christians are always active in doing what they can to help those who are grieving. By request, or by their own initiative, members from the local church often go together in small groups to visit the homes of the bereaved to sing hymns and share words of comfort from the Scriptures.
A few times in my ministry, I have been invited to visit the homes of those who were mourning because they wanted to have a family service. These informal house meetings are usually in the evening, and most of the people who come are the immediate family members, relatives and friends of the deceased. A typical family service would include prayer, hymn singing, special music, testimonies and a short Bible devotion. This spiritual atmosphere gives comfort to those who are grieving. After the service is over, the people enjoy refreshments and fellowship time with one another before going home.
Your Presence is Important
One of the ways we can show our grief support to mourners is by our caring presence. We don't have to worry too much about what to say or read. Detrich and Steele point out "they won't remember because they're not hearing at this time. They are in shock . . . . Your bereaved friend needs only to know that you're there. It's your presence that's important."2
Judy Tatelbaum, in her book The Courage to Grieve, writes, "A grieving friend needs friendship and support to go through and complete the mourning process. We must reach out and take the initiative in offering help. The most valuable thing we have to give is our presence. . . . We can help our grieving friend most by sitting near, holding a hand, giving a hug, passing a tissue, crying together, listening, sharing our feelings. In other words, what the bereaved need most is our acknowledgment of their pain and sorrow."3
When my parents died, I was encouraged when so many people I never expected came to pay their final respects at the memorial and funeral services. This meant a lot to me, and today, one of the ways I try to show my grief support to those who are mourning is by attending the memorial and funeral service of their loved one. During the funeral service I will weep with those who are weeping because I can empathize with their pain and sorrow.
Listening Compassionately
One of the greatest gifts you can give to those who are grieving is the gift of listening. We need to listen compassionately and just allow the bereaved person to talk about whatever he or she wants. Sometimes, there may be long periods of silence, and when that happens, we should not feel that we have to say something to break the silence. In The Last Thing We Talk About, Joseph Bayly wrote these words:
I was sitting, torn by grief. Someone came along and talked to me of God's dealings, of why it happened, of hope beyond the grave. He talked constantly; he said things I knew were true. I was unmoved, except to wish he'd go away. He finally did.
Another came and sat beside me. He didn't talk. He didn't ask leading questions. He just sat beside me for an hour and more, listened when I said something, answered briefly, prayed simply, left. I was moved. I was comforted. I hated to see him go.4
It is reassuring to know that comforting bereaved people does not always mean that we have to say something. Learning to listen is an art that we all need to nurture and develop in our everyday life.
Keep in Touch
In the grief seminars we have conducted, I have often heard people share how they received the most support during the first couple weeks of their loss but felt that the people should have continued their support. We should not ignore the needs of those who are grieving even after their immediate loss has subsided.
Several years ago, a family that we knew quite well was involved in a car accident while they were on a summer vacation. The father was driving at the time when another car hit them on the side just as they were crossing an intersection. The force of the other car killed his wife and their oldest son. We were not able to go the funeral service, but we were encouraged to hear that the father held up well and was very strong emotionally throughout the service. However, we heard later that he was going through a difficult time. Some people bottom out several weeks after their loss because the numbness of shock eventually wears off and then the real pain begins.
In any case of loss, a person needs continuing, ongoing support from a number of people. Sometimes the support we give is out of proportion. When there is a death, the bereaved person is often inundated by people, calls, and cards. But two weeks later, the person feels like a social outcast. Nobody calls, nobody writes. It is as though the whole world has gone merrily on its way, leaving the person alone.5
Tatelbaum writes, "When helping others who are grieving, we need to realize that people have different needs during the different phases of grief. In the initial period of shock, practical help is often most needed, while emotional understanding may not yet reach the bereaved."6
Listen to and Accept Your Friend's Feelings
One of the guidelines we can follow in reacting to the grief of a friend or relative is to listen and to accept their feelings. Detrich and Steele write,
Whatever the feelings are, listen to them, and accept them. Feelings are not right or wrong; they are. And feelings need to be expressed – that's part of the way we work through them. Never say, "Now, now, you shouldn't feel that way." Your friend does feel that way! Feelings don't always make sense, and that's OK too. Don't make judgements on your friend's feelings or try to rationalize them or explain them away; just listen.7
Some Statements to Avoid
In consoling those who are grieving, we need to think carefully before we make any statements. Wright lists some statements to avoid:
"I don't understand why you're still crying. Life goes on, you know."
"Look, you only lost your stepfather. What about your mother? She has a greater loss than you, and she's pulled herself together."
"No one should feel that way about losing a cat. It's only an animal. You had it for ten years, and you can find another one."
"This will make your family closer. It's an opportunity to grow together."
"I'm sure this will teach the other college students to be more diligent in their studies."
"Don't you appreciate what you have left?"
"Next time we'll be sure not to use that doctor or hospital."
"You've started out in new jobs before, so just look at this layoff as a great opportunity, the way George did when he got fired."8
Other statements that too many grievers have had to hear are:
"Don't cry." "Be brave." "You'll get over it in a couple of weeks."
"You shouldn't feel that way. After all you have the Lord." "It's time to pull yourself together. You wouldn't want Mother seeing you that way, would you?" "The past needs to be behind us. Let's move on to the future with God." "At least he didn't suffer." "Well, just be glad it wasn't your only child." "Look at it this way-losing your husband this young and without children will make it easier for you to handle." "Everyone dies sooner or later. He just died sooner." "The children need you to be strong."9
Wright goes on to say that "statements like this don't help or comfort. They only intensify the person's feelings of loss and despair."10
Statements You Can Make
"I don't want you to worry about crying in front of me. It's hard to feel this sad and not express it in tears. You may find me crying with you at times."
"I hope you feel the freedom to express your sorrow in tears in front of me. I won't be embarrassed or upset.
I just want to be here with you."
"If I didn't see you cry, I would be more concerned. Your crying tells me you are handling this in a healthy way."11
Anger is another feeling that is difficult for many people to express. Use comments like this:
"It is natural to feel anger and hostility toward everyone and everything that had to do with your husband's death. I feel angry too."
"It is important that you allow yourself to express anger and rage no matter how much others try to discourage you."12
I counseled a young man just a few minutes after his father had died at the hospital. His immediate grief reaction to his loss was anger towards the medical staff in the hospital where his father was first treated for his sickness. The family members who were with him quickly asked me to talk to him. I was so thankful that he took control of himself and calmed down right away. I remember he listened to me attentively as I assured him that it was okay to feel angry because that is part of the grieving process. In the grief seminars, I always remind people that if you need to release your feelings of anger don't do anything that is destructive to you or to someone else. One of the best ways to release your angry feelings is to hit a pillow.
Other Ways to Help Persons Who Are Grieving
Your encouragement will help grieving persons understand that their expression of feelings will not cause you to withdraw from them. Another positive way of responding is touch. But be sensitive to people you are ministering to who may not be as comfortable with touch as you are. Sometimes, it helps just to say, "I will be here in the home with you for a while. When you need me to leave or to do something for you, please let me know."13
Many of us struggle to find the right words to say when a simple "I'm sorry" is enough. Some words may offer comfort but it is difficult to find the exact words when it comes to grief. In his book Just a Touch of Nearness, Fred Bauer tells this story:
I once heard about the tragic traffic death of a young child. Nancy, just six years old, had been struck by a speeding car. Her parents were devastated. So were her schoolmates, especially Joyce, Nancy's closest friend. As soon as Joyce heard the news about Nancy, she wanted to run to her friend's house. But Joyce's mother thought it would be too upsetting for their daughter and for Nancy's parents. "Daddy and you and I will go to the funeral," she consoled. "You can see Nancy's parents there." But a tearful Joyce insisted that she must see them immediately.
What worried Joyce's mother was what she herself might say to the grieving parents. But finally, reluctantly, she agreed to take her daughter to Nancy's house. And when they arrived, Joyce ran to her lost friend's mother, climbed up on her lap, and threw her arms around her. Wordlessly, the two of them cried out their mutual hurt. No one who came to say, "I'm sorry," said it better than Joyce.14
If you find yourself struggling with what to say, the written note or card is a wonderful way to comfort a griever. You can send personal words of comfort, quotes, poems, and the scriptures from Word of God such as the following:
The eternal God is your Refuge, And underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27 TLB
When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up-the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, your Saviour, the Holy One of Israel. . . don't be afraid for I am with you. Isaiah 41:2,3,5 TLB
Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you. Isaiah 41:10 RSV
Be strong and of a good courage, fear not. . . for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. Deuteronomy 31:6 KJV
The prayers of others are helpful to share at the death of a loved one. In the book Wonderful Promises, there is a prayer that says: "Lord, when sometimes my life in this world seems too much to bear, help me to claim Your wonderful promise of victory over tears, death, sorrow and pain. I thank you that all things are made new through You and that I will share in your kingdom."15
If there is one character quality that is necessary in ministering to a grieving person, it is patience. You will hear the same story, the same details, the same tears again and again.
Some Practical Things to Do
If you want to really help the bereaved, there are many practical things you can do. Keep in mind that some people never ask for help because they do not want to be a burden or impose on anyone. In most cases, you might have to take the initiative to offer your help. Wright gives some practical suggestions on some of the ways we can respond to the losses people experience. He writes,
Any major loss cuts very deep, whether it is divorce, personal rejection, job loss, or death. . . With each loss you will need to (1) discover the grieving person's personal situation and needs; (2) decide what you are willing and able to do for the person, realizing that you can't do it all, nor should you; and finally, (3) contact the person and offer to do the most difficult of the jobs you have chosen. If the person rejects your offer, suggest another. Some specific tasks could include feeding pets, making or delivering meals, yard work, making difficult phone calls, obtaining needed information regarding support groups or new employment, providing transportation, being available to run errands, and so forth. At some point in time, giving the person a supportive book on loss and grief could be helpful.16
We can help those who are grieving through our financial gifts and donations. It costs a lot of money for people to attend a funeral especially if they live outside the community. Native people are sensitive to help those who are grieving with finances. In one Native community where I did a funeral service, the people took a collection to help the bereaved family to cover some of the funeral costs. Some of the Indian Bands in the remote northern communities will charter a plane for their people to attend a funeral in another nearby reserve.
Another practical way to help those who are grieving is to be hospitable. Several years ago, I went to a funeral service in Weagamow Lake, Ontario, for the late Albert Tait. Many people from different parts of Canada attended his funeral. The community members provided accommodations and food for all the visitors.
Native people like to share with one another because that is part of their custom. A few years ago, when I was
in Waskaganish, Quebec, I went to visit a local pastor, Johnny Whiskeychan, who was grieving the loss of his wife. A family from his church that was having a feast thought of him and sent over a plate of cooked wild meat for him. Whenever my parents had an abundance of wild meat they always thought of sharing it with others, especially with those who had lost a spouse.
We can also help those who are grieving by inviting them to go on a trip with us. My grandmother died in January 1997. Just a month after that, we had our Annual Native Gospel Ministry conference in Ottawa.
My older sister, Daisy, and her husband, Jimmy, came to the Conference and brought my Aunt Ena with them and some members of her family. Jimmy told me later that they invited her because they felt that a change of scenery would divert her mind from thinking about her late mother. This was one way they could help her through her grieving.
In everything, do to others what you would have them to do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12 NIV
For more information on Dr. Jolly's ministry or to procure copies of his book, see http://www.nativegospelministries.org.
Detrich and Steele, How to Recover from Grief, 139.
Ibid., 141.
Tatelbaum, The Courage to Grieve, 73.
Joseph Bayly, The Last Thing We Talk About, originally The View from a Hearse (Elgin, Ill .: David C. Cook Publishing Company, 1969, 1973), 55-56, quoted in Detrich and Steele, How to Recover from Grief, 143.
Wright, Recovering from the Losses of Life, 180.
Tatelbaum, The Courage to Grieve, 74.
Detrich and Steele, How to Recover from Grief, 143.
Wright, Recovering from the Losses of Life, 180.
Ibid., 180-1.
Ibid., 181-2.
Ibid., 182-3.
Ibid., 183.
Ibid., 183-4.
Fred Bauer, Just a Touch of Nearness (Norwalk, Conn .: The C.R. Gibson Co., 1985), 24, 25, quoted in Wright, Recovering from the Losses of Life, 184-5.
Norman Vincent Peale, Wonderful Promises (Carmel, N. Y .: Guideposts, 1983), 32, quoted in Wright, Recovering from the Losses of Life, 192.
Ibid., 194.
