God can give you all you need. He will give you more than enough. You will have everything you need for yourself. And you will have enough left over to give when there is a need.
2 Corinthians 9:8, NLV
"The test is positive. I'm pregnant."
Not knowing how to feel-elated or devastated-I knew challenges would be ahead. Though I'd become a Christian and gotten baptized during my pre-teen and teenage years, I'd been living a life devoid of God, leading a wild and reckless lifestyle. I didn't care about anyone or anything, not even myself.
By getting pregnant, I'd now be forced to care, forced to settle down. I'd turned my back on my family, on my God whom I really didn't know, and for some time had no fixed address-unless you counted my boyfriend.
Steeped in alcohol and drugs, my days went from one big blur to another. I had no future; my life was a joke.
I'd run away from home at the age of 16 to learn more about life. My mom had raised me; my dad wasn't in the picture.
I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood, but I vaguely remember my mom's brief marriage-her second. I have an older brother and sister from her first marriage. I know that although she did the best she could, my mom went from one extreme to the other. From the time I was a child until I became a teenager, it was from alcohol to religion. She became quite strict and as I was a growing teen, rules didn't sit well with me.
Up until then, I'd led a pretty sheltered life. But I was curious. If something (or someone) paid any attention to me, I'd become easily attached.Not only was I naïve, I was ignorant.
Sex, drugs and rock n' roll-my life was a cliché. The only thing that interested me was the next party. I hardly ever looked for a job or held one.
I didn't live this way because I had had a rough life or dwelt on problems growing up. I just made wrong, foolish choices. I wanted to know what life was about and went about it the wrong way.
I also knew I had the choice to straighten up, but I chose not to and ended up getting pregnant. By doing this, I thought it would be easier to straighten up because I didn't want to harm this newly made creation living inside me.
However, I did slow down and even managed to finish school. I was already four months along at graduation.
After this I turned 18-a welfare mom.
It wasn't until my son was two that I decided to start going to church again. But it would be another year or more before I found a church to call home.
I think this period was the hardest part of my life. Depression and suicide dominated my thoughts through this struggle to gain a higher ground. Going through a very abusive relationship didn't help.
During this time, I learned some hard lessons. Losing custody of my son was probably the hardest. This wasn't because I was a bad parent or that I didn't love or want him. It was because I made another wrong choice. I didn't realize I was choosing my boyfriend over my son. As sad a choice as it was, I did manage to learn from it.
I got out of my abusive relationship, almost dying trying to escape. With the help of the courts and the support of those I'd turned my back on, I'd come through not wanting to do that again, even though there was that hope in me that I could keep seeing this guy.
What really convinced me not to go back to him was the freedom I felt after being away from him. I urge others in abusive relationships to seek help. It's such a hard road, but well worth it in the end.
I regained custody of my son seven months later. We had some catching up and healing to do. I may never get that missed time back, but I never chose anyone over my child again. Thank God he was in good hands all that time.
Going through that abusive relationship made it harder for me to date, but not impossible. I had a second child in my early 20s, and, as it turned out, I went through this pregnancy and delivery without the father, too. At least by this time I had loved ones beside me.
I went back to school to try to improve-to make some kind of future, or at least start one. While I did manage to finish the semester, having another baby somewhat postponed my plans.
I was still depressed and suicidal. Although I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything, it was an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy. We've been on a healing road since I asked her forgiveness. I'm thankful that she has been added to my life.
During my pregnancy, I attended a few churches looking for a place to call home. I even remember one church I visited when my son was an infant. There, I saw a box of toys labelled, "Xian Community." I remember thinking, I don't want to attend a church that can't even spell 'Christ' in Christian!
Years later, I went back to the church, forgetting about that little experience. It was one of the churches I chose to visit after receiving an invitation to a special event called a hoedown. It sounded like fun so I attended and it was fun!
They handed out another invitation for an event the following Sunday-a celebration service with a continental breakfast.
Free food? I thought, I'll be there!
I attended and ran into a lady I had babysat for when I was a teenager. She had attended the same church I did when I had accepted Christ into my life. I was happy to see her. She introduced me to someone who was leading a group for single mothers that met a couple times a week-once for fun outings and another for Bible study. I was interested, but as I was attending school, I wasn't ready to commit just yet. I told her I'd contact her when I finished my semester. I did and never regretted that move.
When I did, I jumped in with both feet. I attended that church, the Bible studies, and the outings. They were there for me when I gave birth to my daughter. She was born on the group leader's birthday!
I have to laugh now because this is the church that I call home.
They say the Lord has a sense of humor and I believe it's true because this is the church that I said I could never attend because they couldn't spell Christian!
Finding my church home, I've found a family that's helped me through the tough times, giving me a whole new meaning to life. They showed me what love really is and that I'm worth a lot more than I gave myself credit for. I committed not only myself to this church, but also my life anew to the Lord.
Even though I've struggled, the church is still there for me-even the times I showed up drunk and hung over. I'm glad to say that didn't happen often. They loved me anyway even though I made mistakes.
Committing myself to this church also means serving in the community. I joined the sound team. It was a start to the new life and the fresh start I was given.
In having the desire to improve myself constantly, I joined the work force, starting out as a temporary worker-seeing where my interests were and find out what it was like to have and hold a job. I was also building my résumé, although I didn't know it at the time.
I had two young children and wanted a better life for them than welfare. It took a long time and training.
I went back to school, this time to a technical college where I took an audio/visual production course, learning about radio and television production. After graduation, I took on a job at Wal-Mart to pay off my student loan. It would take another few years before I would get anywhere near my chosen vocation.
I worked in retail, home support, and even tried selling-all the while I persisted and hoped to get into the field of media. My break finally came from consistent phone calls to a local production house following an interview. That position was temporary, but it was also my foot in the door-the little experience I needed to be considered for the job I now hold.
Today I work at a television station and have dreams and goals I never used to have. Giving my life back to the Lord was the best thing I ever did. He gave me a better life than I used to have. He gave me a great job, a house, and new aspirations.
Although my journey was the result of bad choices, I know that God's hand was always on my life. And I believe that as long as someone has breath in them, God's hand is on them, too. I chose to follow God and live for Him.
I encourage you to look up and begin your journey with God. All it takes is a prayer. Accept that Jesus died for you, and that He rose from the dead. Then ask Him into your life. It does not matter how old you are; it does not matter where you find yourself. God knows where you are and He wants to meet you, right where you are. Then get yourself into a fellowship. If you do not know where to go, ask Him to lead you. This is what I did.
God will not turn away the heart that truly searches for Him. He loves you unconditionally. Heaven will rejoice when you join this walk, and so will I.
From The Conquering Indian, Vol. 2. To order, see page 19.
