Q: Right now it seems like every time we turn around someone has died or is seriously ill. As Christians, we know heaven is a reality for believers who've gone before. But how do we deal with the very human emotions of loss and keep our grief healthy? How do we keep from dropping into depression? People tell us to look to God and trust Jesus, but what does that look like in our lives?
A: At the onset, I must state that I am not a therapist and my response to this question is based upon my own personal experience in dealing with grief. Like everyone else in this world, I have experienced loss in my family and circle of friends. On top of this, as Indigenous people, our life expectancy is much shorter than the average Canadian. As a teen and again as a young adult, I was devastated by the violent death of two siblings.
We learn how to cope with loss by observing how our parents dealt with it. My mother was a ward of residential school for 11 years and had difficulty expressing emotions. She never cried, at least not visibly, even when her mother and two of her sons died. In 2016, I experienced the death of two siblings, a brother-in-law and two close friends. I wish I could tell you that I grieved properly and in a healthy manner. Instead, I felt overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and abandonment.
I came from a very dysfunctional home and the losses triggered underlying issues, including depression. Depression was something I always knew I had but tried to ignore. I wanted people to ask about my family members that passed away, and I expected others to know and understand my pain. I isolated myself and sunk into a deeper depression rather than seeking help. I recognized that I was spiralling downward and eventually went to see a therapist. I found grieving so many losses at one time was very overwhelming, and I needed to grieve individually for each person.
My suggestion when experiencing loss is to reach out to people who can assist you through this painful journey. Be ware that not all advice is helpful, especially the cliché that time heals all wounds. This only will happen if you work through your grief in a healthy manner. Bereavement counselling is quite effective.
You also ask, "People tell us to look to God and trust Jesus, but what does that look like in our lives?"
Firstly, this does not mean that God will remove the feelings of hurt and loss in your life. Rather, He says that He will be with us as we journey through this challenging time. We do this by nurturing our spirit through prayer, worship and reading the Bible.
In addition to this, remember that the church is the body of Christ. As followers of Jesus, we are to care for one another. We are a kingdom of priests, and we should be ministering to each other. Often, we expect people to reach out to us instead of our asking for help. There are times the church seems blind to those who are broken-hearted in the congregation. Jesus advised the church in Laodicea to ask for eye-salve so that they may see if we are a healthy church. As believers we all have the responsibility of caring for each other.
Grieving is a painful journey that we must not traverse alone.
-Gord Mills is from Moose Factory, Ontario and is a member of Moose Cree First Nation. He is a Bible School graduate and has a B.A. in Law and Justice. He has worked in corrections for the Ontario government for 31 years and is the copastor in his church.
A: I come from a community that, for many, many years, has been experiencing a tremendous amount of loss. I personally have experienced much loss in my own family as well and have wrestled with my own doubts, fears and questions about God's goodness and His presence when it comes to unexpected loss.
When I was younger, I read The Grieving Indian by Arthur H., and in the book, he shared that in non-first nations communities approximately 80 percent of deaths are expected due to illness or old age and 20 percent unexpected (accidents, violence, suicide, etc.), but in First Nations those numbers are reversed where 80 percent are unexpected and 20 percent due to old age or illness. As a result, many First Nations people are dealing with the shock of sudden loss and grief and because it happens so frequently are not able to go through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) in a healthy way.
When I became a Christian, I learned how when Jesus was on this earth, He was so real and genuine. He didn't just have all the right answers and preach; He demonstrated His care and compassion through the life He lived. He loved His disciples deeply and it showed.
When His good friend Lazarus died (John 11), the Bible tells us that Jesus wept! He was so overcome by emotion and the loss of His friend that He cried. Yes, He did raise him from the dead, but in that moment when He learned of His friend's passing, He was overcome with real emotion and cried. He didn't pretend that everything was ok-He didn't just quote scripture and ignore what everyone was feeling and experiencing-He allowed Himself to embrace the sadness of that moment, but He didn't stay stuck in it.
When we don't deal with grief and allow ourselves to experience it, we can easily become stuck in it and that could lead to depression. We must learn to embrace grief, not to be overcome by it, but to walk through it and come to a place of healing.
We are told in Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those that mourn for they shall be comforted." God gave us tears for a reason. We must go through mourning to experience the comfort.
Many people have not dealt with grief properly, so they fear it, and they might even give harmful advice such as, "Be strong, don't cry." But strength is not found in bottling up and denying your emotions, it's being real and genuine about them.
So don't be afraid of grief, it's a part of life we all must walk through, and understand that it'll come and go, sometimes in waves, but it was never meant to last forever. There is no time frame on it either, grief might hit you long after you expect it to, but I truly believe as you embrace grief, God embraces you. God bless!
-Mario Swampy has served as Pastor for the Louis Bull All Nations Church in Maskwacis Alberta since 2014, and on Chief and Council for the Samson Cree Nation since 2011.
