It was light, but it was there. For the last three mornings, I've been waking up with a headache right behind my eyes. The cause was no mystery. I'd been working on removing it, with soap and water, but I didn't have the right tools. My soap and water did nothing. The pesky green mold hung right in there.
The Administrative Segregation Unit (The Hole) cells are very old. Even if the cell is cleaned daily with a little soap and water it still looks dirty. The dirt has settled deep into the walls of the old building. You might say I live in dirt.
Humanly speaking, no one wants to live dirty. It's not fun – or clean.
At first I didn't like the dirt in which I found myself. In fact, I waged a futile war against it each day. But the minute my perspective changed, I realized that living in dirt was good for my soul. Although I don't know God's plan for the rest of my life, I know that no matter what that plan is, I must bear fruit, for myself as well as for others.
I'm not the best gardener, but I know that in order for a fruit tree to live and produce fruit it must be rooted in dirt. Dirt is essential for the tree to grow, mature, and, in due time, generate a harvest. The dirt I see here is more than just physical dirt. Being in the hole has allowed me to dig into my own dirt. In order for my spiritual life to bear fruit, I must deal with the dirt in my own life; but often, rather than dealing with it, I have swept it under the rug.
Slowly but surely, that dirt builds up -it doesn't go away-and before I know it, it's a hazard. When I stumble over it, I lose a little love here, a little joy there. Peace begins to wobble. Patience begins to wane. Gentleness lessens. Faith loses its certainty. Self-control gives way. Goodness turns ugly.
Living in dirt has given me the time in prayer to dig up and turn over any old dirt in my heart. By breaking up the pile, and giving it to our Creator, my conscience is freer, and my joy is fuller. My prayer life has never been sweeter and my song never louder.
It's been such a blessing to dig into my personal dirt, and plow it up. I know now that I would not have had the time to do it if I had not been put into an actual pit of dirt.
How about your life? We all have it; a pile of "I'll deal with it later" dirt that we've left untouched. Some "dirt" happens in our life, but it seems like a small thing. Life's busyness keeps us from dealing with it. Then another small pile of dirt appears. Before you know it, the small dirt piles become hazards, able to make you stumble. Suddenly you wonder why life seems to be throwing curve balls at you.
Slow down. Get your hands a bit dirty and turn that dirt over-to God. Only then will you remember how sweet the fruit really is and how full joy can truly be.
Adrian G. Torres
is incarcerated at California Institution
for Men. He has written the book, The Walls Talk about walking with the Lord in prison.
