Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
—Ephesians 4:29
"I hate you!"
"Why do you have be that way? You're awful."
"All you'll ever be is someone who drinks too much!"
"She's good for nothing."
Have you ever heard such phrases coming from the mouths of people who should be loving one another?
I have. And it broke my heart. At one point, I had to excuse myself from the room and go release the pain. Through sobs, as I cried out to the Lord, I asked Him to show me why they were treating each other that way. Three adults verbally abusing one another in such hateful ways.
Like many relationships, their connections are complicated, but the underlying theme that kept coming to mind was that "hurting people hurt people."
Maybe you've heard this before. People who are hurting emotionally, who haven't worked through the pain, can tend to hurt others.
Hurting people hurt people. I can tell you that I've seen this lived out in my own life. Someone close to me was sexually assaulted and didn't tell anyone for seven years. What those seven years looked like was living with shame, guilt, outbursts of anger, verbal tongue lashings, inability to maintain healthy relationships, not being able to handle being physically touched, to name a few challenges the person faced.
This loved one was deeply hurting, wasn't ready to get professional help, and deeply hurt others. This one is no longer in the valley of the shadow of deep darkness, and neither is our relationship. But it took a lot of work for healing to start.
I appreciate the scripture passage in James 3:2–10 (NLT):
"Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way. We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!"
Our mouths tend to speak what is an overflow of the heart. And we read in Scripture that we should guard our heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23).
Let's ask Him to search our hearts and reveal to us anything that is not pleasing to Him . . . to help us forgive where we need to forgive . . . to lead us down the path of healing where we are hurt, and to love others by the words we speak.
